Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Rainy Day Blogfest.

Welcome to the Rainy Day Blogfest. Feel free to leave honest feedback (I'm sure I need it), and swing by and see Christine, our gracious host at The Writer's Hole. Enjoy!

To set the scene' Gemei (and a friend, Radian) are draft-dodgers in a fantasy world. They had to stop for help at a farm when Radian became deliriously ill.

It was very late, well past midnight, when Abe decided it was time to go home. From a forgotten barn on the property of the swill-brewer, they stumbled along wagon tracks and cow paths by the light of the moon. Abe, who had said maybe twenty words in the four days Gemei had worked with him, now slurred bawdy songs and praise for his beautiful wife in turn. Gemei had slept in a corner most of the evening, after throwing up the alcohol that was better suited to dissolving boots. When he came to, he found some ale, as rain thundered and whispered on the old roof in turn. Finding no one his age, he spent much of the evening by a minstrel with his lyre. He now enjoyed a nice glow.

“When I met Merill, she was fine. Dressed plain, see, in her father's fields, picking...OOF!”

“Abe?” Gemei looked up to where he'd been, walking beside him, but Abe wasn't there. He heard him laughing, though. A laugh that cut short in a disgusted noise.

“Aw, bear spawn, was it raining?”

Looking up, Gemei said “I think it still is.” Among the trees, it was hard to tell.

“Well, plainly it was. Plain as the puddle soakin' my breaches. Help me up.” Clasping each other's wrists, Gemei tried to pull the big farmer to his feet. Next thing they knew, they were both in the puddle, Gemei gasping at the cold, and Abe laughing at his effort.

“Yer a good'un Gemmy.” He was as surprised by the arm over his shoulders as the kind words, “but ya ain't no fisherman.”

“Not yet, I...”

“No one'd send lads your age alone to Manos. No one who's been there would trust farm boys to find their way without getting' cheated or conned or worse. And anyone who hasn't thinks if half the stories are true, you's have your eyes stolen by ogres and sold to witch's. No, if your mam and paps are alive, they don't know where you are any more than you do.”

Speechless, Gemei opened and closed his mouth, hoping his story would come, but only a drunken fog filled his head.

“Boy, ya look like one o' them fish you keep talkin' 'bout. No, my guess id it's the Garrison's you're fleein' They'll get ya, sure as sunrise, if it's just the two of ya.” Gemei felt like he was half the age of his fifteen summers as Abe measured him. Looking away, he continued. “By next full moon, the Gypsy's will be passin' through. I'll have a word with 'em. No reason they won't let you travel with them for a season. They're beneath the contempt of the Garrisons, and it'll be easier to stay hid.”

“But, Gypsies? They're...”

“They're decent enough, if they got no cause to take exception to ya.”

Gemei could no longer spin yarns. He'd been laid bare, and the relief was palpable. “My thanks...”

“Pah. Let's get home. Mornin' comes early, and I'd rather work with a head ache than listen to a lecture.”


  1. I love the concept of draft dodger characters in a fantasy. There is so much you could do there to make their lives miserable!

    You confused me at first by giving two names but then using 'Abe' in the piece. Also, I think you meant 'witches' rather than 'witch's'

    I have the same issue you do at times, in that I give some dialogue and then continue a paragraph, when it really should be separated. People keep pointing it out in my stuff, and I saw most plainly in the one that starts, "Well plainly it was..."

  2. An excellent post Will, I enjoyed it as the background of your story was rain and it is a real horrible rainy day here on the other side of the pond. My mind didn't wonder once as I read . well done. most enjoyable.

    Have a great day.

  3. The first paragraph was confusing in that you kept skipping around to different times. The night of, in the last four days, when he came to...those all throw me in different directions. I can't tell if we're talking past tense or current.

    But I like how the secret comes out when they are drunk. It seems natural. As well as the idea to go with the gypsies.

  4. I really like this Will. The characters seem full of life. Especially Abe!

  5. I found it most enjoyable, but a little confusing.

    All the best, Boonie

  6. Where's the rain? ;)

    I like how you're tinkering with the dialogue using slang and colloquial speech. You're not over-doing it. Too much is too much, and just enough is just right, you know. Yours is just right.

    - Eric

  7. I really enjoyed this piece. I think with some structure adjustments as referenced above it would read clearer. I love your characterization. Great!

  8. You have some great dialogue in here. I was impressed by how easy it was to read through. Thanks for posting. I didn't find much mistake wise, so my favorite line is : "after throwing up the alcohol that was better suited to dissolving boots." I love that description

  9. Will: Your stength is in your dialogue. I have a feeling you'll be great at "world building" also. Some talked about confusion - I think you might have mixed your "tenses" and that sort of makes us wonder where we are. Work on the sinue that holds the dialogue together, I can tell you are anxious to get to your dialogue. And, actually, there is nothing wrong with paragraph in between sections of dialogue, it just has to fit and be part of what's going on with that dialogue.

    You know how to tell a story - work on your glue and it will be great. Pleasure to read, I didn't have to shake my head once.

  10. I like the way this pulls you in, though I suspect that there are a couple of spots where the written accents need to be toned down just a touch, since they're drawing attention to themselves rather than letting the story get on with itself.

  11. I really enjoyed your dialogue. It and the humor sets your style. A enjoyable read.

  12. Hi Will. As others have said, your dialogue is strong and full of character, but you also have a real eye for world-building details. There may be some minor lack of clarity with time in the first paragraph, but I can't say I was confused. Quite the opposite, I was grabbed from the off.

  13. Hi Will - Enjoyed this - “Boy, ya look like one o' them fish you keep talkin' 'bout. Fun read. Thanks.=D

  14. Interesting bit of plot development. The characters are interesting.

    I didn't see any rain though :)


  15. It was a beautifully written post! I would love to read it in the context of the full story to get the full picture!

  16. The rain fits this story so well. Of course they'd get caught in the rain! Everything else is pouring down on their heads alread, right?

    Check out my blogfest coming in my sidebar.

    Emily Dickinson biographer on SouthernCityMysteries

  17. A fun read, very good dialogue and interactions! Good work!

  18. I love the characters...and the dialogue! Great job...I missed reading this before, glad I caught up.

  19. Enjoyable excerpt, Will! I thought the dialogue was authentic in sound and pace. Well done!

  20. Nice blending of dialogue and exposition. I agree that I was a little confused at times, but it was enjoyable nonetheless. I know how hard it is to keep track of names (and re-names) of characters in fantasy.

    Thank you so much for participating in the blogfest!

  21. Thanks for your visit and comment. My old tv needed updated. seemed my eyes and screen were getting smaller. so decided to get one I can see.
    Take care.