Saturday, August 7, 2010

High Drama Blogfest!

For your consideration, I humbly submit my entry for DL Hammons, High Drama Blogfest. Honest feedback would be much-appreciated, and be sure to check out the other entries!

There was a different tone to the buzz of conversation in the Council Chambers this morning. Officials of all the realms had found their cliques, and talked excitedly about the impending session. Surely, the Regent would need to announce today what would be done about the threat of the Khemites.
Shani was wanting to stall, allowing another week for the Priest's envoys to return, but he was not hopeful. None of the Council knew of the second mission of envoys, and the official dispatch had returned the day before yesterday. The Councilors had heard what they expected to hear; what Shani suspected that they had paid to hear. The second batch of envoys was to be without such allegiances, and therefore, providing a less biased account of the threat.
The five-minute bell sounded, and Councilors made their way to their seats, as pages continued to drift about. Shani waited with the other heads, three priests and three governors, until the herald announced them.
“Representatives of the Blessed Realm, please rise for the Regent, Shaniraquey.” They emerged and strode to the dais amid polite applause.
The Seven took their places, Shani in the center, three Prime Governors on his right, and three High Priests on his left. All others were then seated.
Shani checked the day's itinerary, and found no surprises. His stomach lurched at the names, unofficial heads of factions, all. Naturally, all wanted to be heard by the Assembly, but time allowed only five for certain, and up to twenty if there was minimal debate.
After Aliber said Prayers and Adorations, Shani stood. “The Realm recognizes Councilor Alna.”
A handsome man in his early forties stood. “Blessed Regent and distinguished colleagues..,” Alna waxed loftily of the history and dignity of Atlantis. As was customary for any pronouncement. Finally coming to the point: “...and now, our way of life is threatened by savages! We can no longer deny that the Khemites are building a fleet to bring war to our very shores! We have provided them with every opportunity of education and culture, yet they rise up against us!” Approval exploded through the Assembly. Shani's face betrayed nothing, not the uncertainty of his inexperience, nor the tremble in his hands. Nothing good ever came from a Regent declaring war in his third month, but he was loath to show weakness.
Alna continued. “The reports of our envoys are irrefutable. We must descend upon them, and remind them of the Glory of Atlantis!” No one disagreed on this point, and it took several minutes to resume order. Shani dreaded the response, and relished the moments between now and then.
Shani stood and held up a hand for silence. “It has never been our way to make war. We are not the Blessed Realm through force of arms, but through commerce and culture. We have always sought peace, for the individuals, and for the nations. However,” grumblings were escalating quickly, “insolence cannot be tolerated. And insolence from those who were our kindred until the time of our grandfathers must be addressed. A disciplinary campaign will be launched as soon as it can be arranged.” He felt as though the words had been spoken by another, cryptic and hollow.

23 comments:

  1. Hi,

    Dramatic cerebral tension here, and good ambience of officialdom talking/thinking peace yet knowing strife imminent and the consequences dire.

    best
    F

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  2. You have drama built with a sense of majesty and power.

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  3. I second Elaine's comments, a very majestic feeling layered upon different levels of conflict. Very subtle, but unavoidable. High Drama indeed!

    Thank you for the contribution! I thoroughly enjoyed reading it. :)

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  4. I enjoyed this too. Great atmosphere and tension. Well done, Will. :)

    ~Lola

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  5. I enjoyed this entry- I have one suggestion: "Shani was wanting to stall," rework this line and instead of "was wanting" put "wanted" instead to make the action of this more prominent.
    my favorite line: "Alna waxed loftily of the history and dignity of Atlantis." because it holds so much authority in it. :)

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  6. Fun, interesting, definitely dramatic.

    I enjoyed it.

    Want to read more.

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  7. Oh, I enjoyed this very much. Rather than physical action and tension, this was emotional: anxiety, reluctance, dread. Nice writing!

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  8. Interesting stuff...verrrry interesting!

    There was only one line- one word really that jumped out at me (since you asked for feedback...) "Shani waited with the other heads,, three priests and three governors, until the herald announced them."

    For a second, I thought it was literal heads LOL. With these blogfests you never know what you're gonna get! The simple addition of the words "of state" or substitution of 'leaders' or something there would have stopped my mind going there but that's teensy and nit-picky (and likely only my mind went there LOL)

    Enjoyed the entry thoroughly!

    ~bru

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  9. i loved the atmosphere in this one! there is something very cozy about your style, the kind of writing that is great to read on a stormy day with a cup of hot cocoa and a blanket. this was my fave line:
    "Alna waxed loftily of the history and dignity of Atlantis. As was customary for any pronouncement. Finally coming to the point:"
    I loved the touch of humor there- because, you know, we've all been there!

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  10. Hi Will .. great to see a sample of your writing .. I like the social history part at the end - with the sarcastic aside .. of "He felt as though the words had been spoken by another, cryptic and hollow." where will it lead ...?

    have a great Sunday .. Hilary

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  11. I love the theme of this one, and I didn't see the sarcasm Hilary's talks about. What I really liked was that you included the internal conflict for Shani in such a short space. That's really important for the reader to see.

    My only feedback would be the misuse of the semi-colon in this line: "The Councilors had heard what they expected to hear; what Shani suspected that they had paid to hear." (2nd paragraph) Just a comma or separate them into two sentences.

    Is this a part of a larger MS?

    Michele
    SouthernCityMysteries

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  12. Hi Will! I'm new to your blog and your writing, but I intend to be back for more :)

    I enjoyed this excerpt very much. You really have a skill for crafting the regal tone of your genre. I liked the descriptions and the dialog -- very believable.

    Well done!

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  13. Great stuff! You pulled me in with a great first line and hooked me here: "There was a different tone to the buzz of conversation in the Council Chambers this morning."

    Excellent!

    —Portia

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  14. It was really interesting to see the goings on inside this meeting. Loved the buzz. Great entry..:)

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  15. Loved it. Lots of drama delivered with considerable intensity!

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  16. You are an excellent writer. I am in awe of people who can write so profoundly "off the cuff"

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  17. I didn't feel much tension in this, but there was surely a sense of high drama. As I read this I was visualizing the regal pomposity of the entire scene--it was well described.

    Lee
    Tossing It Out

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  18. definite drama..and well written, Will. More?

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