Saturday, August 29, 2009

Birthing Room

Currently listening to: System Of A Down: “Toxisity.” Yet another awesome thing about writing: I get time to listen to all these CD's I haven't had time for in awhile

So, as I mentioned, Adam at is waiting for his child to be born, so I got to wondering, what does the father do when she's contracting & dilating? This could last for a lot of hours, and how many times can I repeat the same encouraging tidbits? I'm guessing that it would be pretty rude to bring a book. How much more so if I sat listening to my Ipod! I don't have a good phone for Twittering, and I'm guessing that she'd get sick of being fed ice pretty quickly.

Also, I'm not allowed to have hurt feelings. Since my wife comes from an Italian family, she can be pretty expressive, and I have to remember that when all's said and done, she'll be very happy & grateful for the bundle of joy I helped bring into the world. However, until all's said & done, I'm expecting a verbal fire-storm of biblical proportions. I'm sure it's nothing the nurses haven't seen before, but, being new to this, I'll confess to some trepidation. It may however make the “6-8 Weeks Off” a little easier! “Love you Baby, but let's dodge that bullet!”

And what of the medical horrors? When the water breaks, will I need galoshes? Will the afterbirth look like a brown-red wineskin? Will I be overwhelmed by nervous giggles? (yes, I'm that juvenile) If that come at the wrong time, I'm sure to get a punch in the throat!

One buddy at work had quite the story: He was speechless. No, really, here's this perpetual 14-year-old, who always has some smart-assery on the tip of his tongue, and has many, many write-ups for inappropriate jokes, but the sounds of birth (one vaginal, one C-Section) left him absolutely green! If I'm not mistaken, he may have passed out!

So, the more I worry about that day (or so), the less I'll worry about being a good dad. What's the worst that can happen? They'll need therapy? A job's been created!
So vote “Will” for “Prince of the Silver Lining!”


  1. One thing I can tell you that will likely save you at least a little bit of a cussing-do not utter the words, "Hey Babe, since it seems like it's going to be a while, I'm going to run and grab a sandwich. I'll be right back." If you want to live to see the birth of your child, don't bring the sandwich into the room, seeing as how as your wife can eat is ice chips for the foreseeable future. Trust me on this. My ex-husband can tell you how well this goes.

    Thank for following my blog! Your comment cracked me up!

  2. there are a lot of things you can do. honestly, the labor pains were pretty bad with my first until the drugs came in. so until then, keep your little entertainment packages hidden.

    when the drugs kick in and wifey can fell good enough to fall asleep, you can either sleep too, or read a book.

    you can twitter, from any phone, just using SMS messaging. I have a BlackBerry, but you can have the most basic phone, and as long as you can send a txt, then you can twitter.

    big thing. talk about it BEFORE it all goes down. that way when you pull out a book she doesn't get pissed, but trust me, your heart will be pounding so hard that you won't be able to focus on anything else BUT that.

  3. To Both: Thanks for the great advice! I'm already censoring my diet, since she's doing the Blood-sugar counting -- twice we've gone to movies, and I got Reese Bites, but couldn't bring myself to eat them in front of her. I'll certainly take my sandwich out of the room! Adam, you're probably right about books; I probably won't be able to focus on anything deeper that Garfeild!